Guidance on having difficult conversations

 There may be times during a child's time at the setting that concerns about development or aspects of their behaviour may need to be shared with parents.  It is important that the lines of communication are open and concerns are shared as early as possible but this may be the first time that parents have heard any concerns so how these conversations are done need to be considered carefully.

A parent has written a short story - Welcome to Holland - to illustrate how it feels to be a parent of a child with special needs which may help you think about how to share initial concerns with parents. 

The Royal College of Nursing has produced some guidelines on breaking news to parents when they are told of their child's medical diagnosis.  It is useful to know how the medical profession are trained for this and it may include helpful tips to consider.

Before the meeting:

• it is useful to consider what parents are thinking and feeling when they are told 'to have a quick chat after the session' and how that may affect their actions

• prepare parents for what the meeting is going to be about – are they expecting a quick chat so have younger siblings with them and can only give you 5 minutes? 

• think about the recent meetings that you have had – did you know what the purpose was beforehand, or did you get thrown when it didn’t go the way you expected.  How did that feel?  Is there some information that you can share beforehand that would prepare the parents for the meeting?  Does someone else from the setting need to be with you in the meeting?

At the meeting:

• the 2 main purposes of the meeting are to share information and knowledge and to acknowledge and manage the parent's emotional response

• when you are sharing information concentrate on what you have observed and try to stick to the facts rather than opinion.  If you are sharing your opinion, make sure that you use 'I statements' - just as 'I am a little bit concerned about this' or 'I want to monitor this for a while to see how it progresses'

• if parents do not see things the way you do that's ok as they may have other information and see things differently.  Talk about the things that you agree on and acknowledge some of the differences

• avoid using any gestures that can be perceived as aggressive in a conversation, e.g. sighing or a wagging finger

• try to maintain normal eye contact.  In an aggressive confrontation we both tend to avoid eye contact

• remember that your face is very expressive and can show what you are really feeling, despite your words

• each of us has a zone around us that we like to keep as our personal space.  If someone comes too close we tend to feel uncomfortable, crowded and perhaps threatened.  On the other hand if we stand too far away, we risk being seen as aloof and standoffish.  Different cultures also have different norms for personal space

• ensure that there is an agreed action from the meeting - this may be to involve other professionals, to try different strategies or just monitor the situation for some weeks.  Also agree a time to talk again

After the meeting:

• ensure that you implement any actions that you have agreed

• if there has been any conflict or upset in the meeting ensure that you attempt to build bridges with the parent/carer to maintain a good working relationship.